Forget Full Body Scans, We Need Body Cavity Searches

Image via Wikipedia

Satire by Grant Lawrence

The news on the Detroit Underwear Bomber attempt this Christmas has gotten me a little shaken. I was overjoyed, though, to hear that the government had already ordered 150 full body scanners even before the recent terrorist attempt over Detroit skies.

But now I find out that a full body scan would not have stopped the terrorist attempt, according to an expert British politician.

So I am getting a bit nervous about what to do regarding terrorism here in our country.

Some might try to make me feel better by pointing out that if Dutch Security would have checked the terror suspect for a valid passport and looked at the watch list then they would not have let the guy fly.

Still, that bit of reasoning only makes me more nervous.

How can we account for human error and flawed technology in protecting Americans from those that would do us harm?

So I thought about it long and hard and I have come to only one conclusion. At this point, Privacy Concerns and Fundamental Rights are evidently of no concern. Thus, we need to get really aggressive with our anti-terror policies.

I have come up with a solution and I think it needs to be implemented right away. As a matter of fact, the sooner the better.

Airline Security needs to conduct body cavity searches on all of the flying public.

Think about it. If we had implemented a body cavity search on the Nigerian with links to Yemen terror bomb suspect then he would not have been able to try to blow up that plane.

But I can hear some protesting that we only needed to use existing security measures and that Nigerian terrorist suspect with links to Yemen would not have been allowed to get on that plane.

Well that argument is not good enough for me and many others worried about protecting freedom and liberty in this country. The only way to protect our liberties is to go rogue on them (I learned that you need to go rogue from the Patron Saint of Tea Parties, Sarah Palin). That means that we need body cavity searches performed on every flying passenger.

You see, terrorist items can be easily hid in body cavities. Wikipedia tells us that, "Items can be concealed in a number of body cavities. For example, objects may be concealed by inserting them into the rectum."

I know we now perform body cavity searches on some we suspect of running drugs. Body cavity searches are also a routine activity in prisons. We, however, need to bring the procedure out into the mainstream where it will really protect our freedoms.

Also, I suggest that we not limit body cavity searches to airports. We should also implement them in malls, courthouses, and other places that have a large gathering of people.

You might be thinking my proposals are a little extreme. Yet, when we are talking about protecting freedom then there can be no extremes in the protection of liberty.

So I don't think full body scans go far enough and a terrorist can still hide explosives from detection. But I am not about to throw my hands up and say, "Oh well, nothing can be done."

No, darn it, I am an American.

As an American, I am prepared to allow myself, my family, my neighbors, and country men to be exposed to every indignity and assault on personal liberty so that we can remain free as a people.

That is why I am asking for your support in my crusade to implement body cavity searches on nearly everyone and nearly everywhere freedom loving Americans gather.